Saving the Planet: a Guide for Beta Mummies

Somewhere between David Attenborough’s recent BBC documentary: Climate Change – The Facts, the inspirational Greta Thunburg, and the high-profile protests by Extinction Rebellion, I have found myself pondering the planet and the part that I play on it.

The question is, are we happy to suppose that our grandchildren may never be able to see an elephant except in a picture book? – Sir David Attenborough

This post is a collection of ideas for Beta Mummies (and Daddies) who want to do something, but don’t really know where to start.  And feel a bit overwhelmed by it all.  And can’t go too crazy because they’re actually incredibly tired and the kids won’t touch sprouted mung beans with a barge pole.

Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy Get A Babysitter

Been out lately?

By out, I mean out out.  Actual lipstick-wearing, late-nighting, non-changing bag carrying, child-free adulting, out.

Homework Time with Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy

HOMEWORK.

 

Bloody homework. Sometimes I wonder who hates it more: Feral Child or me.

 

As soon as they start school kids these days seem to start getting homework in one form or other. Whether it’s daily reading, phonics practice, writing a diary or – heaven forbid – making something, homework is a curse inflicted upon the whole family.

 

Alpha Mummy Goes on a Health Kick

January.  January is the month that everyone in the whole wide world seems to start some sort of self-improvement quest:  going vegan, getting fit, losing weight, konmari-ing their house… Luckily January is nearly over.

Parents Evening with the Alphas & the Betas

Have you had parents’ evening just lately? How did it go?

Swimming lessons (and why Beta Mummies hate them)

Ah, swimming lessons.

I write this as I sit, sweating, boiling slowly to death by the side of the pool whilst the two Feral Children have their weekly swim.

Is it just me or do you find your kids’ swimming lesson (or at least the half hour either side of it) the most stressful part of your entire week?!

TRUST ME ON THE SUNSCREEN

First things first: I LOVE the summer. I love the warm days not having to worry about taking a coat out, the long evenings, going to the beach, and the fact that strawberries start actually tasting of strawberries.

But I don’t love suncream – or the application of it at least. I will say that despite being a fully-fledged Beta Mummy, I am pretty strict on the application of suncream before heading out into the sunshine – I am incredibly pasty myself, and Feral Child #1 is virtually translucent. I remember getting burnt as a child and I don’t want to be responsible for that happening to my kids, so I do make sure we slip, slap, slop, or whatever.

But my god it’s a ball-ache, isn’t it?! My kids hate having it applied, and squirm around like angry eels whilst I sit on them to pin them down. They thrash around just to ensure it goes in their eyes, then cry because it went in their eyes. They moan that it feels all yucky (yes kids, I know, it’s horrible), and that it tastes disgusting (well duh – shut your mouth then!) They’ll happily apply it to themselves, of course, which guarantees that not a single solar ray will manage to filter through to that one particular small patch on their torso that they can reach. What’s left of the suncream is generally then smeared on their school uniform, in their hair, on the carpet, on my work outfit, over the cat.

It’s lucky that our mornings are such a peaceful, laid-back affair, and that we have plenty of time to dedicate another 20 minutes or so to slathering the stuff on before leaving the house…

Unfortunately, like forcing your kids to eat the occasional vegetable, and strapping them into their car seat despite their best planking efforts, it’s a necessity. In the words of good old Baz Luhrmann: Trust me on the sunscreen.

A Beta Mummy Guide to Brushing Your Child’s Teeth…

WE ARE YOUNG(ish), WE RUN GREEN (no idea), KEEP OUR TEETH NICE AND CLEAN…

That’s the idea, anyway…

Beta Mummy is Beach Ready!

BEACH READY.

I have a hatred of that little phrase/descriptor. It is always used to sell exercise regimes and magazines and shitty fad diets – and by extension to make women feel crap about themselves if they are anything other than a fitness model. It implies that if you’re not “beach ready” as they describe, perhaps you’d better not go to the beach – and my god, woman, don’t you dare think about wearing a bikini – MY EYES, MY EYES!!

Beta Mummy Hates Playing With Her Kids.

Kids tend to like make-believe and role play games – you know, like driving cars around or pretending to be shopkeepers or having a teddy bears picnic.  I…don’t.